I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
