Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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