I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
