make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
