Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
