Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
