I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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