just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
