Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
