At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
