We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
