How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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