If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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