Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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