even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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