did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
