I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
