I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Houston, we have a squirter
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
