i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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