im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
