I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
