dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
