I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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