You're earring is so big in my mouth
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
