Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
