you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
