i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I just googled if crying burns calories
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Randomize
