The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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