All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Of course I have a pirate flag
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
