your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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