just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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