i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
