When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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