I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
