I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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