Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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