can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
