the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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