Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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