Tell her she can't have a vagina
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
