I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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