Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize