and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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