and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
