Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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