Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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