Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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