You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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