So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
