once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
