I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
