who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
