I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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