nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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