ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
