Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
