my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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