I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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