So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
