OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
