i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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