I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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